Bleed Like Me
by Psyc0gurl0
Summary: So this is a short story there will only be 5 chapters. There's Jemma, Sellie. I found a song, called Bleed like me. and it was so similar to 5 chracters on the show I just had to do it. Chapter 5 is up!
1. Avalanche

**Title:** Bleed Like Me

**Author**: Psyc0gurl0

**Disclaimer:** No characters are mine, and this song isn't mine. Nothing is EVER mine!

**Couples**: In this chapter it is Jemma!

**Summary:** 5 chapters. 5 characters, their personal struggles. Some ships, but mostly about the 5 characters problems. Starts with Emma. That's all I can tell you. This chapter deals with Emma's eating disorder.

**Authors note:** I was listening to a song by Garbage, called Bleed like me and it 'called' to me. Lol. Seriously though, there are five parts to it, so there will be five chapters. It's a short story, I think.

**Part 1 Avalanche**

_Avalanche is sullen and too thin_

_She starves herself to ride herself of sin_

_And the kick is so divine_

_When she sees bones beneath her skin_

_And she says:_

_Hey baby, can you bleed like me?_

_C'mon baby can you bleed like me._

* * *

I stared at it, it was disgusting, fattening, and large. I couldn't believe Ellie was actually eating it. I couldn't even look at it and she was scarfing it down as if it was her last meal.

"Ellie? Are you a little hungry?" I asked sarcastically.

"Aren't you?" Ellie asked looking at me.

I shook my head ignoring the rumble of my stomach.

"Really? Your stomach is saying the opposite." She said laughing at me.

I shook my head again then looked across the room to Jay and Sean who were eating their meal. Jay glanced over at me and I smiled. We were trying to have a night free of each other. It was me and Ellie and Sean and Jay this Friday night. I was fine with it really, I didn't have to see my boyfriend everyday. I wasn't like one of those girlfriends, really.

"Em, it's a boys free night."

I nodded looking at my small salad, I couldn't pick my fork up, it was impossible. Just looking at food was making me sick. I hadn't eaten a whole meal in almost 2 months. I had lost a few pounds but I wanted to lose more.

Everyone was telling me that I should loose weight. Jay commented on my weight sometimes, Manny pointed it out as we went shopping together last weekend, and Ellie was so perfect, it was hard to be as skinny as they were.

It was annoying too, I always felt so fat as I ate with Ellie or Manny. Ellie could eat anything and stay skinny and it was the same with Manny. Everyone wanted Manny or Ellie, I was just the side kick.

The fat ugly slutty side kick.

I was Emma Nelson, the activist, the treehugger, Greenpeace as Jay called me usually. That's what I used to be, until Manny became pretty and popular and Ellie found all new friends. I used to be the leader, now I was the follower.

The fat follower.

Maybe that's how I ended up with following Jay around everywhere. I felt as if he was annoyed by me sometimes. It scared me, what if he broke up with me?

I loved him.

But he would break up with me, I was too fat. Fat and disgusting. I hated myself, I hated the largeness, and my brown muddy eyes. I was ugly, fat, and depressed. No guy would want those things in a girl. Why did Jay date me? Was it because we got together just to bang, but it turned into more, even if he didn't want it to turn into more?

Jay and me met through Ellie and Sean. I was Ellie best friend, and Jay was Sean's best friend. Ellie wanted to double with a friend, and I was the first choice. I had heard about Jay before I went out with him. He was the bad boy, the stealer, the leader of the Montreal gang. And like always I was drawn to that. I liked the bad boy, it was inevitable not to like them.

Our first date, the one with Ellie and Sean, we ended up making out in the back of the movie theater. Our second date we had oral sex in the bathroom at some party. Our third date we banged pressed up against the wall at some concert Ellie dragged us too. It was a very fast dating process. After 1 week of separation we decided we couldn't live without the other and needed to be together sexually. In the process I guess we fell in love/lust. We still aren't sure.

"I know, let's go to the movie now. I can't wait to see Borat, everyone at school keeps doing quotes from it, I want to join in." I said as we took money out to pay.

"Aren't you going to eat?" Ellie asked looking at my plate or untouched food.

"I'm not hungry." I lied throwing a 20 on the table.

"Em, I haven't seen you eat anything in almost 2 weeks."

I shrugged ignoring her and walking out. I didn't want to deal with Ellie's questions. She followed me after a few minutes.

"Em? What's going on with you?" she asked as I headed towards the car.

"Nothing." I muttered.

"Emma! You look like a skeleton!" Ellie yelled as I got to the car and looked for the keys. I paused as I let her statement sink in. "I do not." I muttered as I heard her come up behind me.

She put a hand on my shoulder and turned me to look at her. "How long has it been since you've eaten?" Ellie asked quietly.

I looked into her eyes and sighed. I shrugged and took the keys out. "Why does it matter?"

"Because your pale, thin, and gaunt looking. You are really pretty Emma, what happened?"

I shrugged her hand off and got into the car. "Come on, we're going to be late." I said starting the car as she walked to the other side. "I'm fine." I added as we drove out of the parking lot. "Really!" I added as I glanced at her disbelieving face.

"Ok..." she muttered as I turned the radio on.

* * *

I fainted.

It just happened.

One minute I was standing in the hallway having my weekly fight with Jay, and the next minute I was surrounded by worried people.

"What happened?" I asked pushing my self off the ground.

"You fainted." Jay said helping me up.

"When?" I muttered rubbing my head. Jay stopped me by holding my face, and looking into my eyes.

It was funny, just minutes ago we were arguing, now he had concern written all over his face.

"Emma? Ellie told me what's been going on, yesterday. I didn't believe her until you fainted. Why aren't you eating?" he whispered still holding my face.

"I am eating." I whispered shivering at the intensity of his voice.

"No, baby, as I'm thinking about it, I haven't seen you eat in awhile. All you do is run." Jay muttered.

"I'm fine, Jay." I said my voice getting harsher. I was fine, I'm always fine.

"Emma, you aren't fine, tell me why you haven't been eating." Jay said.

I had never seen him so serious and I was so close to telling him what was the matter. But then all this anger at people not believing me started to well up.

"Jay! I'm fine, back off!" I yelled starting to feel dizzy again.

I was fine. F-I-N-E. He looked at me with worry and concern. It was complete. I had Jay Hogart worried and concerned. Maybe I wasn't fine. _Your not fine, because you are so damn fat, _the voice said in my head. It was always that voice that kept me going.

"You aren't fine, Emma!" Jay yelled, his worry and concern hidden by anger, or embarrassment.

Mr Nice guy was gone, and Jay the Bad boy was back. He was still worried I could tell but when he was talking to me earlier in a soothing and carrying voice he was getting looks. As a matter of fact we were still getting looks and I'm pretty sure Katie Reese just got a teacher.

"I will be fine, I just wanna loose a few more pounds." I whimpered, as I realized I was going to loose this fight.

"Baby, you gotta get help." he whispered leaning down to kiss me before I was taken away from him.

* * *

"Your too thin, Emma. You need to gain some weight. That's why you're here." the doctor told me as I sat in a chair facing some windows.

I nodded absently as I looked out into the busy street below. "Emma? Are you listening? Your parents want me to help you." She said putting a hand on my leg.

I yanked my leg back and looked at her, my face I tried to make stony. "When do I get to see my friends?" I said boldly.

"Soon, we have a detox program for new comers first. Then after 72 hours you can call your parents. After one week people can come visit." the doctor said smiling at me.

I stared at her.

72 hours for a phone call?

168 hours for a visit?

What the hell where they doing to me?

"Fine." I snapped standing up and turning towards the door. "Can I go?" I demanded.

She nodded smiling at me still, and I felt the need to hit her. I didn't, I just would ask Jay to when he came to visit me. IF he came to visit me. When my parents told me they were sending me away to get better, I yelled, and screamed, and hit. I said some pretty mean things to them too.

I told Jay he was a bitter cheating asshole. I called Ellie a dirty emo cutter. I called Sean a wannabe poor jackass. I called my mother a neglectful slut. And I called Manny a whore. I was mean, and I would be surprised if anyone came to visit me. But I was lonely and I only hoped, I needed someone, anyone, to come and see me. I was going to die if no one came to visit me.

As I went back to my room and sat on my bed, I thought about the past 3 months. How I started my 'diet' and how I finished it. My therapist at the hospital, told me I had to think about what triggered my eating disorder.

I wasn't sure, I just woke up and decided I was too fat. I wanted to loose weight and after a few weeks of exercising I decided to cut down my food proportions. It worked, so I kept doing it. Then it just tumbled out of control. After as Ellie found out, and Jay, then my parents it was like an avalanche of bad things happening.

Everyone found out about my disorder, the first step to admitting you had a problem was to get out of denial. I was out of denial, I could say disorder now without flinching.

So as everyone found out about my disorder it was an avalanche of problems that erupted. I couldn't do this or that, they blamed and yelled. It was one big fight that kept going, and was probably still going. I hated the avalanche that followed, it was torturous, and I blamed myself for everything. I blamed myself for everyone's problems that came out of this incident.

So as I lay in this bed, in this hospital I thought about my friends and the problems that came out of mine. I blamed myself for their problems, if it wasn't for me, everyone would be fine. Why couldn't my mother just have gotten ride of me, I would've saved everyone, from everything.

I was a sin.

At that thought I jerked upright. I suddenly knew why I stopped eating. I was a sin. A sin to everyone around me, a sin to my friends and family. I hurt people, why was I even alive? A sinful person didn't deserve to be alive. I heard the dinner bell ring, and knew I had to leave to go eat. They told me if I didn't eat soon I would die. Maybe that wasn't such a bad idea.

(A/n: I know it was a little depressing, but the song is depressing. I don't know anything about rehab or detoxing, but I'm pretty sure they don't let you see anyone for a little while, I'm sorry if some of the information is not right but, I tried. I'm also sorry if it doesn't make sense. lol. I tried to match everything up, so it might be a little hard to follow.)


	2. Chrissie

**A/n:** So, I'm glad everyone liked last chapter. I hope this one is just as good. Thank yous to: PinkFerbie, 2whak4wrds, FindMeBroken, DaniCaliforniaML, and xSlutxCorex . I hope this is as good as the last chapter. This one I think is a surprise!

**Part 2 _Chrissie_**

_Chrissie's all dressed up and acting coy_

_Painted like a brand new Christmas toy_

_He's trying to figure out if he's a girl or he's a boy_

_He says:_

_Hey baby can you bleed like me?_

_C'mon baby can you bleed like me._

* * *

It was a ritual.

No one knew about it but me. I didn't WANT anyone to know about it but me, they would laugh and be against it. They would think I was a freak. I wasn't, really, just depressed, or something.

Every Wednesday I would first take the make up out and start on my foundation. I loved powdering my face, I loved the feel and the smoothness after it. Then came my eyes, my eyes were my favorite part, there were so many different ways to do the eyes. Today I decided on smoky.

Then my lips.

I preferred lip stick, red.

Red Lipstick.

It made my skin tone lighter, and smoother. Sometimes I added the blush, other times I didn't. The foundation, eyes, and lips, were the things that went on all the time.

I went into my closet after the make up, and put panty hose on. I didn't feel like shaving this morning so I went for the hose. Then I went into the way back of my closet and pulled my dress collection out.

The dresses I found weren't how I wanted them to be. They were rather ugly, and blotchy, some of them even had stains on it. But it was all I could afford, I felt weird going into a fancy store and buying a nice dress as a man.

That's why I wanted the operation, so I could go into stores and buy whatever the hell I wanted. Today I picked a red dress to match my red lipstick. The red dress was my favorite, and today was a special occasion. I shimmed the dress over my head and started to zip the back up. The dress was tight but lose in all the right ways. Before I got the zipper to go any higher I put the padded bra on.

I knew now how Emma felt during those awkward middle school years when she had no boobs. I clipped the bra and continued zipping, coming to the end of the track I put my arms down and admired the feel and look of the beautiful red dress.

I had brown boring hair and glasses, I tried to use some pills to get my ever present 5 o'clock shadow away, and it was working. A little, it takes one step at a time. I slipped my red pumps on and repainted my long nails. As I dried my nails and looked in the vanity mirror I wondered when I started feeling bad about my body.

It wasn't on purpose, I liked being a boy in middle school and even in my first years of high school. Maybe it happened after Kendra dumped me, or even after me and JT drifted away. Hell maybe when Rick was around, and I started to having weird feelings towards him. I admired women, until Rick I thought I was straight, but when I just admired their body and how much I wished I would be like him, I knew.

No one knew, not even my parents.

Not JT.

Not Emma.

Certainly not Manny, or Liberty.

Sometimes I wondered if I should get a therapist for it. People said it was a disease. I didn't think it was a disease. I just wanted to be in a different body.

I wanted to be a women.

There I said it. I, Toby Issacs, wanted to be a women.

And I was fine with that. I wanted an operation, but first I had to come out and admit to everyone that I was a transsexual. They would send me somewhere. I heard they sent Emma away for having an eating disorder. No one stopped her, and she was sane.

What would they do with me, if they sent perfect Emma Nelson away?

Would I even have anymore friends?

Would I be alone?

So today I had decided to go see Emma for advice, my special occasion. She usually helped me through things. I looked at myself in the mirror, then went back into my closet for my blonde wig. I would go like this, I was proud of who I was. I was proud to say that I, Toby was a transsexual. I would get the operation, I was saving up, but first I wanted to come out to someone about who I really was.

So I was going to come out to Emma Nelson, my light in the tunnel. I took my purse and walked down the stairs ready to face her. I knew where she was, I heard Jay Hogart talking about her. I still was astonished they dated. Ever since Emma hung out with him she's been bad.

"Can you please tell me where Emma Nelson is?" I asked politely to one of the nurses as I stepped into the building.

"5th floor." She said looking at me a little strange.

"Thank you." I smiled heading towards the elevator and hitting 5.

I asked another nurse as I got up there. "513" the nurse told me smiling.

I clicked down the hall to 513 and opened the door. "Go away, Jay! I told you I don't want to talk!" Emma yelled from the bathroom.

"It's not Jay, it's Toby." I said my voice deep.

"Toby?" she asked as I heard the door open and her head pop out.

"Oh! I'm sorry, I thought I heard my friend." Emma said coming out of the bathroom the whole way and smiling at me. "Are you looking for Vanessa? She was moved yesterday." Emma said sitting on her bed.

"I'm looking for you, Em. It's me Toby?"

She stared at me then opened her mouth amazed. "Toby Issacs?"

"Yes, I wanted to tell you something."

"I can see." she muttered surveying my outfit.

"I need your support." I muttered.

"For what?"

"I want to get surgery once we graduate."

"Toby? Your dressed as a women."

"I know."

"You're a transvestite?"

I nodded surveying her safely guarded expression.

"When?"

"You're the first to know, Em."

"Well, what should I say?"

"Support me! We're great friends and you've always supported me before, what makes now any different?"

Emma starred at me for a minute.

I was starting to get nervous, maybe she wouldn't support me in this and I'd have to start over? I know her boyfriend wouldn't support me, he'd probably just laugh at me, but I don't care about Jay, I care about Emma, and her opinion.

"Sure, Toby, I support you." she said smiling at me.

I smiled back, the first step was complete, all I had to do was tell my parents, with Emma by my side.

(A/n: So? how was it? It was hard to write Toby, cause he's never around for me to 'survey' him. lol. review if ya want! it would be appreciated)


	3. Doodle

**A/n:** Thank you for the reviews! This is the only story where my writers block hasn't hit. My other Degrassi story I have no idea what is gonna happen, and most of my other stories no one has revewed so...anyway, i like writing this story it's kinda random. lol. Sry you guys thought the last chapter was creepy. But i'm glad you liekd it anyway. I hope you like this one too! it's all Ellie!

**Part 3 Doodle**

_Doodle takes her dad's scissors to her skin_

_And when she does relief comes setting in_

_while she hides the scars she's making_

_underneath her pretty clothes_

_She sings:_

_Hey baby can you bleed like me?_

_C'mon baby can you bleed like me_

* * *

I looked at the scissors. I preferred scissors, or knives. Knives and scissors you could control, razors you couldn't. I hated cutting with razors, they only made little cuts, not long gushing ones.

"Ellie? Are you almost done in the bathroom? We want to leave."

I looked at the door to the bathroom and sighed. "Yeah! I'm almost done." I whispered pulling my sleeve down to hide the fresh wound.

I put the scissors back into the drawer and looked in the mirror. Red hair, hazel eyes, lots of black eyeliner. I looked the same as always, except I felt different. I felt useless, and depressed.

"Ellie come on! Me and Jay wanna leave."

I finally opened the door and looked at my boyfriend. "I'm here, are you happy?" I snapped at him brushing my hair out of my eyes.

He looked at me funny and we headed towards Jay's orange civic.

"Finally!" Jay yelled starting the car as we got in. " I told her we'd be there by 12, it's 12 now!" Jay said as he started the ignition and we were off.

"I'm sorry." I muttered looking out the window, and playing with my sleeve. I could feel the blood coming threw my thin t-shirt. Why did I have the need to cut right before we saw Emma? She'd know something was up, she could always tell.

That's the only thing I hated about being friends with her, she could always tell when I was upset. But I had a really bad morning and needed to cut, my mom almost burned our house down so I had to go to Sean's, to sleep. She was in the hospital now, and I was out living with my boyfriend for the time being.

"El, are you ok?" Sean asked me after a few minutes of sitting in the car.

"I'm fine, Sean."

"Do you wanna talk about last night?" he muttered looking into the backseat with an expression that clearly said HE didn't want to talk about it.

"No." I said for his sake. I would talk with Emma when we got there. I felt lonely without her. The only reason I went to Sean was because she was in the hospital, I usually went to see her. She was my best friend, and I could rely on her...until her disorder came out and she left me. I felt useless for not helping her sooner, for not seeing it, it was my fault, I was a bad friend. I bit my lip at that part hoping that Jay or Sean didn't look back and see my tortured expression.

They were talking about cars, or something, as some crappy music blared from Jay's speakers, he stole last week. I stared out the window until we reached the hospital and parked in the parking lot. I practically jumped out of the car and headed towards the building, wanting to see her first and talk to her.

"Ellie! Wait up!" I heard Sean yell at me as I walked faster.

I hit the 5 button and waited for the elevator to come get me. It appeared before Jay and Sean got to me so I went up to her floor and towards her room.

"Em? Em?" I said walking into her room and looking around it.

"Hey, El!" Emma said smiling at me as she sat in her bed writing.

"How are you?" I asked smiling at her.

"Ok, I guess." She whispered seeing my expression. "What's wrong?" she added as I went to sit on her bed.

"I miss you." I said smiling sadly at her wanting to cry.

She looked so skinny still, even though she was in the hospital for over a month. I had seen her almost everyday since she got in there. I brought her homework to her, and we tried to catch up with our lives. She said she was suppose to stay in the hospital for 3 months. I couldn't wait till she got out. I wondered briefly if when she came back to a normal life I would stop cutting, I doubted it, I think I was addicted.

"My mom almost burned our house down last night." I whimpered, feeling the tears come. "And I went to stay with Sean. I-I-I don't k-know if it's working b-between us." I said as more tears came.

"Why not? last week you guys were great." she said getting a tissue from her bedside table.

"I heard Amy talking in the bathroom, about him." I whispered whipping my tears away.

"It was probably when they were dating." she said trying to make me feel better.

I shook my head. "It sounded more recent. She said he was at the Ravine with Jay, and they were hooking up."

Emma frowned. "Her with Jay or Sean?"

"Sean." I whispered as a knock on the door came and I heard Jay's voice.

"Emma? Can we come in?" he asked already opening the door.

"Yeah, but can you give Ellie and me another minute?" Emma asked smiling at the memory of what happened last time he came to visit.

Last weekend Sean, Jay, and me came to visit her and she was in the middle of changing as we opened the door. It was really awkward after that, because we really hadn't noticed_ how_ skinny she was.

"Sure, we'll be back in 10 minutes." Jay said as I heard the door close.

"I love him." I added feeling more composed after Jay stopped by.

"I know."

"I don't want to break up with him, but ever since you were put in this place I feel more lonely and I feel like a wall has built up between me and Sean. He doesn't really talk to me anymore, he goes and parties with Jay a lot. We only see each other at school. It's not good." I said all in a rush, hoping she didn't think it was all her fault even if it kinda was.

"I'm sorry, but don't have your relationship fall apart because of me, Ellie. You guys have been dating a really long time, and I have not part of it." she said.

I could tell she felt guilty for being put in here.

"How are you, otherwise?" she added smiling at me.

"I'm..." I thought about the cuts on my arm and winced slightly. "Fine." I finished smiling a stiff smile at her.

She looked at me a minute and was about to say something when Sean came in looking upset.

"What the hell Ellie?" he yelled. "You just jump out of the car and run up here? What has been going on with you since yesterday?" he yelled at me.

I winced and looked at Emma who was looking at him.

"Sean! Lower your voice! People will come in here!" Emma yelled then looked at me. I could tell she felt she overstepped her boundaries. But she was right, the nurses would come in here if we were too loud, we learned from experience.

"Yo! Cameron! I don't feel like getting kicked out again, shut up!" Jay yelled coming in after him.

"Fine, once I find out why Ellie is acting so strange." Sean said looking at me.

I rolled my eyes looking at Emma who nodded for me to go on.

"Are you cheating on me?" I asked trying to act bravely but really I didn't want to hear the answer. He looked down the at Jay and Emma.

"Ellie...who told you I was cheating on you?" he said quietly.

I felt Emma and Jay's eyes on me and I felt for the first time like we had an audience.

"Sean? Just answer the question." I said my voice getting louder.

"I..."

"Sean!" I yelled my tears starting up again. "I already know, I just need you to confirm it." I said the tears spilling down my face.

He nodded and looked down ashamed. At least I hoped he was ashamed.

"What the hell?" I yelled. "And with Amy?"

"I was drunk, Ellie! I was gonna tell you!" he said.

By this time I wasn't even aware of Emma and Jay watching us.

"Right, you were gonna tell me that you cheated on me with Amy? Yeah right, Sean! We're done." I said feeling my heart slowly break.

"El–"

"no!"

"Ellie, please!" he said trying to console me.

"No."

"What about your mom?"

"What about her? Did you really think I was gonna stay with you?" I said my voice getting meaner. "I'm staying with Emma's parents. We already discussed it." I said flipping my hair and looking at him with hatred.

"Ellie, come on, just stay with me until you get better."

"No." I said looking at Emma, who was looking back at me with big eyes.

"Yeah, she's staying with my parents till I get out." she said smiling at me.

Jay looked back and forth between all of us then his eyes landed on Sean who looked at me and stomped out of the hospital room.

"What the hell was that about?" Jay asked looking at us.

"Nothing, thanks for coming, you might want to calm Sean down." Emma said patting his hand and looked at me.

"Greenpeace, I came to visit you not calm the hulk over there down." Jay complained.

"Come back tomorrow." Emma said smiling at him and kissing him.

"But–"

"I'll be here tomorrow, baby, I swear." she said laughing at him.

"I have to talk to Ellie."

Jay sighed and nodded.

"Fine, I'll be back tomorrow."

she nodded and watched Jay leave.

"So, take your stuff to my house and I'll call them."

"Thanks, Em." I said hugging her.

"Your welcome." she said smiling at me. "Hurry up so you can get a ride home."

I nodded and hurried out of the room, hoping the ride home wouldn't be awkward.

* * *

"What the hell Ellie?!" Sean yelled at me as he found me in his bathroom, bleeding all over the floor.

"I slipped." I said feeling a little woozy from the large amount of blood I lost.

"Your cutting." he said scooping me up and putting me in his large bed.

"No I'm not, I-I—" my throat choked up as I started to cry. "I'm sorry, Sean, I love you." I said hugging him.

"You need help, El. I'm gonna take care of you." he said pulling me closer.

"I'm sorry." I said again crying and bleeding into his shirt.

"Don't be it's my fault." he said looking at me and running a hand down my face. "I love you, Ellie." he said just as he was about to kiss me.

I jerked my head up and looked around the room, the empty room. I wiped my wet eyes on the pillow case.

"Sean?" I whispered looking around the room.

It was just a dream, I thought as the tears came again. I was sleeping in Emma's room, just like she said I could, and her parents aloud it, just like she said they would.

"Sean?" I said again looking around the dark room again. I sobbed out trying to wipe the tears away but they wouldn't stop. I caught site of the cut on my arm and rubbed it gently. I got out of the bed and headed towards the bathroom caring a knife with me. I closed the door and put the cold metal to my skin, wondering how long I could keep this up without anyone finding out.

(A/n: sry if the last part doesnt make sense. i just wrote it all today. lol. I am so bored. Reviews please)


	4. Speedie

**A/N:** well I have to say, I heart Winter break! it's updates galory! (I doubt I spelled that right, what would i do without spell check) So Here is part 4, this might be a surprise (the whole chapter not just who it is) The next part SHOULD be up soon. But I just made a new story, so maybe not. I want to put it up soon so I can finish it but...anywho. Oh! i just wanted to brag, I got Degrassi season 4! Jay and Emma! yeah! ok moving on. Oh also before we start part 4 I want to tell everyone that I don't do herion so I don't know the effects of it I only know the small amount of info that tv has given me, so don't kill me that i got some of the facts wrong! Or if i spelled herion wrong!

**WARNING: DRUG CONTENT AND REFRENCES!**

**Part 4_ Speedie_**

_Therapy is Speedie's brand new drug_

_Dancing with the devils past has never been too fun_

_Its better off then trying to take a bullet from a gun_

_And She cries:_

_Hey Baby can you bleed like me?_

_C'mon baby can you bleed like me_

* * *

All I could do was look at her, all I could think about how frail and boney she was. I couldn't help thinking it was partially my fault. I mean, we're dating how could I not see it when she is screaming for help? Weren't we dating? I considered us close. Was there something the matter with me for not seeing it before? Was I a bad boyfriend?

I looked down at the small bag of brown powder and sighed. I couldn't help doing this. It was so addictive. I was an addict. Yeah, I know, bad right? But who cares, cause I don't not anymore. So I'm screwed up to the extreme, it's her fault! She's doing this to me. Not on purpose, but...I think it's my fault she's the way she is. She's perfect, what happens when she isn't anymore. What happens to me when I wasn't perfect and she has problems?

I sighed looking at the bag a little longer until I took it out of the bag and sniffed it, just like I had learned. I breathed through my nose and almost immediately after I felt it. I felt nice, a warm, loved, like I was with her and before she got messed up.

It was like therapy for her problem, drugs, especially heroin. God, did I love this stuff. I looked at the bag again, and slipped it into my jacket pocket as I got back in the car and headed towards my second home.

The hospital.

Her hospital.

I parked and got out of the car like I always did. I went up to her floor, and into her room, as always.

She was sitting there looking beautifully frail, as always, and I felt horrible. My little guilt trip. I should've seen it coming, she's always moan and groan about her 'fat' hips. I just blocked it out for awhile and by the time I came back she was gone, so skinny. She looked up as I walked in and smiled. Perfect.

"Hey Jay." she said reaching a skinny arm out to me.

"Hey, baby." I said slurring my words a bit.

She looked at me for a little while but turned away to show me something. "I made this for you. We have to talk an art course here, to express our feelings about our 'diseases' so...here." she handed me something heavy and wooden.

A picture frame.

"It's stupid I know, but I know you don't like coming up here all the time, so you can carry me around in a frame." she said smiling.

I looked at her a minute and I realized I had tears at the corners of my eyes. I looked away before she saw them. "Baby, when are you leaving this place?"

She looked down and away from me. "I'm...not sure. They said 3-6 months." Emma said hesitantly to me. "I told Ellie 3 months, that's 3 months if I'm good."

"Are you good?" I asked already knowing the answer.

She smiled sadly at me. "I try."

We were quiet as we looked at each other unwilling to share our thoughts. "Jay are you alright?" she asked me putting a cool hand to my face.

I nodded wondering if she saw the high I was on. "You look..." she trailed off not sure what to say to me.

"I miss you." I blurted out then kicked myself for the stupid drugs I had taken.

She glowed when I said that, "really?" then she added looking into my eyes her glow dissolving and her smile becoming a frown "Have you been to the ravine?"

"Lately?" I asked hopping to stale. Sure I had been to the ravine, but to get...stuff...not the other things I really wanted from her.

"Yes."

I had been there last night to get...more. But I wasn't about to tell her that. "No." I said smiling at her.

She looked down to her blankets that covered her legs.

"Em, I really do miss you, and I'm telling you the truth." I held her soft face in my hands, I looked into her eyes and said the some things that really went with the mood. "I love you."

She looked at me not knowing what to say then jerked out of my hands. "Your high!" she accused.

"No I'm—"

She jumped out of her bed and started going through my jacket which I had put on the desk across her bed. She slowly stopped her search probably having found what she was looking for. She slowly took it out of the pocket and starred at it. I watched her staring it and felt sorry, for all of us. As she turned to look at me I felt horrible, sadness was written all over her face. "Jay! How could you?"

"I was holding it for a friend, Em." I said pathetically hoping she would buy it.

"Liar!" she shrieked tears cascading down her face as she ran into the bathroom. With my baggie.

"Em! Wait!" I yelled as I heard a lock and then a toilet flush.

"Emma!" I yelled again banging on the door almost making it come off its hinges.

"Emma! What the hell!" I yelled again banging harder. That was 50 bucks worth, what the hell was she doing! I banged harder and started to scream.

"I can't believe you! You bitch!" I yelled as I banged harder. I heard whimpering behind me and turned around.

"Jay." My media immersions teacher asked, anger evident in his voice.

"What the hell are you doing?" Emma's mom asked.

"Nothing." I muttered as I heard the lock turn.

"Hey mom." Emma said looking at her parents.

"Jay I think you should leave." Mr Simpson said glaring at me.

I left quickly muttering bye to Emma, and quickly walking out. I replayed the events that had happened, in my head all the way home and slowly the high wore off as I was left with the sinking realization that Emma hated me.

I dragged my ass through the apartment building that I know lived in, since we got evicted from out 2 bedroom house, and fell into my crappy bed.

* * *

The next morning was a school day but since Emma wasn't at school and I had some big test in some subject I skipped.

"Hey man." I said going over to some guys I hung out with when I was skipping.

"Hey, Jay." they said smirking at me. "How's it goin?" they asked.

"Horrible, you guys got anymore?"

"A dime, for 75."

I glared at them and turned around to leave. This was ridiculous 75 dollars for about 2 highs? I wasn't doing this anymore especially after last night.

I could feel my feet walking away from the deal, and smirked. I was doing it, I was really going to walk away from more, I was strong I didn't need anymore. I sighed as I felt the familiar pull of my body wanting the drugs.

I stopped in the middle of the parking lot so close to my car. "I'll be back in a few minutes." I muttering knowing what I was doing was wrong, but oh so good.

And so worth it.

* * *

"Jay, we need to talk." She said the same day as I did my daily visit.

I nodded, hopping it wasn't about last night. "Sorry, about last night I was a little...messed up. I hope your family doesn't hate me too much." I said quietly basking in my humiliation.

"It is about last night, and no they don't hate you too much." Emma told me lifting my chin to look at me. "Baby, you need help." she said softly. "I've been seeing it for awhile, and I don't want you to make the same mistake that I did." she continued.

"You think I'm going to get an eating disorder." I spit out standing up. "FYI Greenpeace I don't have body issues. I'm fine." I snapped.

I looked down at her face as I said this and I realized I was being an ass. I was taking my anger out on her, my anger towards the 50 dollars I now owed my dealers.

"Your right Jay you don't have body issues, but you have other issues, worse issues. You're the one in trouble right now, sealing anything to get a high, right? I've seen it for awhile, you have a problem Jay. Your addicted! Your addicted because of my problem and your guilt! Pull it together, and get over it, if you can't that for once in your life ask for help!" Emma said yelling at me and slowly dying down as she got to the end of her little speech.

I rolled my eyes and looked her dead in the eye. "I don't have a problem, but I'm sorry for last night. I'll see you later." I said leaving before her parents could get there.

* * *

I hadn't gone to Emma's hospital for a week. I was keeping my distance. This was no way our first fight, dating a girl like Emma was bound to bring fights, but this was more serious then any of our other fights. So I did what we did best, she ran and kept her distance I drank, partied, and got high. Oh and kept my distance.

As came into my apartment at about 4 in the morning from a seriously good high, and party I think I attended. I saw her. In my room. How she was there, I wasn't sure. Maybe I was still high and riding those white ponies.

"Em?" I asked surprised.

"You finally showed up. Surprise." she said her voice flat. "They thought I deserved a break so they let me out tonight, I came over here to see you, and sort everything out. Silly me, I should've known you'd be at some party getting high." She said in that same flat voice.

"You could've called me." I said sulkily.

"Newsflash Jay Surprise means not telling!" she yelled throwing something at me.

"What the hell is the matter with you? Will you EVER change! I know I cant change you but..." she trailed off as I stared at her a little dazed. "I think, we should break up Jay." She softly admitted.

I stared at her, she said it quietly but I caught it.

Every.

Single.

Word.

"No." I said firmly.

"You have a problem and until you admit you have one we're over. For now." She said going over to the door and opening it. She turned to look at me on more time before leaving. "Please don't come visit me anymore. I think...we both need our space...I think you should be hospitalized too. But it's not my discussion, it's your to go get help. But Jay please go get help, as a friend I'm telling you this." she said in the same quiet voice and then she left just like that.

I stared at the place she had been feeling my heart start to burn. Break up?

Was that possible for us?

What had I done?

I felt the pain but at the same time I felt cold and numb. I had ruined the best thing that was going for me. And I thought the situation could get worse. I sighed looking down at my hands and the item I held there. Was this real?

I went over to the couch and stared straight ahead. I felt the warm tears fall down my cheeks, and realized for the first time in almost 10 years I was crying.

Really and truly crying.

Maybe I needed a new therapy.

(A/n: Sorry for the sadness of the chapter and all. Dunno what to say down here. hope you liked it!)


	5. JT

**A/n:** last chapter people! yeah! I can finally concentrate on my other fics. lol. jk. So i liked writing this fic. I knew EXACTLY were i was going with it! yeah! So I know that mostly every1 in the chaptes fit together BUT Toby but you know who cares about him, right? lol. jk. Oh and before u read this, some1 is an alcholic (sry if i spelled that wrong) and I have enough alkies in my family that i SHOULD get this stuff right. But I hope it turned out ok. Ok enough of my weird behavior/typing/an. here is the last chapter!

**Part 5 JT**

_Jt gets all fcked up in some karaoke bar_

_after two drinks he's a loser after three drinks he's a star_

_Getting all nostalgic as he sings 'I will survive'_

_Hey Baby can you bleed like me?_

_C'mon baby can you bleed like me_

* * *

Drip.

Drop.

Drip.

Clap.

Flash.

Drip.

Drop.

Today was the worst rain we had seen in years, it would be a day I would always remember. Maybe I would remember it because of the rain, or maybe I would remember it because of the events that had happened. I had woken up like every other day I had this week. I was bored already and tired from the lack of sleep I had gotten from staying up listening to Jay bitch about Emma. He keeps saying he's over her, but if he was so over her wouldn't he NOT talk about her instead of obsessing over that fact she got to leave the hospital for a week?

I got ready for school, leaving the house I lived in and heading towards the school. Degrassi School where I had went for years. It was normal, nothing new until Manny Santos came up to me and handed me an invitation.

"Hey Sean." she said in that way where she made you feel as if you were the only one worth a damn.

"Manny." I muttered going towards the direction of my locker.

"So, you and Ellie broke up, right?" she said following me.

I shrugged turning towards her and nodding. "Yeah a couple weeks ago, why?"

"Well, I just wanted to make sure you saved a dance with me tonight." she said smiling and thrusting her chest out at me.

I nodded ignoring her thrusting and muttered, "what dance?"

"Tonight there's a dance in the gym, then a party over at Craig's. Will you be my date?"

I looked at her with raised eyebrows. "To which event?"

"Well, both." she smiled at me and pointed to some details on the sheet.

Then she gave me a flyer and wrote her number and address on it. She walked away then swinging her hips and looking as seductive as ever. I looked down at the number and flyers she gave me, maybe I would go with her. She wasn't so bad, but...I missed Ellie, more then I'd admit to anyone.

I missed her red hair and melancholy humor, if there was such a thing. Ellie had a sad quality about her, but was funny, I missed that, and Manny couldn't replace it.

I looked at the flyers a little longer, then stuffed them in my locker. I needed a drink.

Around the time Emma had gone to the hospital everything seemed to fall down all around me, so as most people did when something didn't go there way or they were in over their head, I got a vice. not a very healthy vice, I couldn't help it, it ran in the family. It had been going on and off for years, and when I started dating Ellie it stopped.

Until she fell apart because of Emma. Everything always revolved around Emma, I hated that. Jay and Ellie were closer to her then me, but I feel like I really took the toll for the events that followed her hospitalization. I tried to keep the group together, when Ellie became weird and distant and Jay started going to the Ravine more then he should and doing god knows what with some dealers that hung out over there. I stayed together...for a little while. Maybe a week, or day, or something, but I felt as many people do when too much weight is on their shoulders. Drained, unwilling, and finished with the whole entire episode that had gone down.

I really knew I had lost it when I found myself singing in a karaoke bar with Marco Del Rossi, his boyfriend Dylan, and Ellie. It was before we broke up, her and Marco were close and they wanted to go to a Karaoke Bar to celebrate Marco's birthday. I had just gotten back from the Ravine with Jay and was piss drunk when she walks in through my door begging to go to this Karaoke Bar. I'm drunk and I say sure. I drank more there, and I find myself singing 'I will Survive' as loudly as I can. Needless to say I knew I had a problem then, but I couldn't give it up it was too...great a feeling when I drank that last sip of vodka or scotch or something else I found around me.

So back to me in the middle of school needing a drink, I went into the bathroom and pulled out the water bottle I kept with me at all times. Needless to say it wasn't filled with water. I took a long gulp and nearly spit it out as it burned all the way down my throat. I closed my eyes loving the sensation and put the bottle away along with my nerves that had worked themselves into a bundle.

I walked out of the bathroom and slapped the nearest guys hand I saw, it was JT York.

"Hey man!" I slurred smirking at him.

He looked at me funny but smiled anyway. "Hey, Sean, are you going to that dance tonight?"

"Hell yeah, man! I'm going with Manny!" I said walking away and to class.

When I got to class I noticed Jay was actually there.

"Jay! Jay! Jay!" I yelled plopping down next to him earning a weird look from some people in the room. "Are you going to the dance tonight?" I asked slapping him on the back. "Emma would look hott in a lil black dress!" I added seeing his face flash with anger before answering me.

"No. I'm going to the Ravine, screw dances, they are so overrated."

"Couldn't get a date, Jay?"

He glared at me until the teacher came into the room talking about some assignment.

"Guess who I'm going with?" I muttered smirking at him.

"Ellie." Jay said smirking at me.

I felt myself wince and I shook my head. "Nope, Manny!"

Jay looked disgusted then shrugged. "If that whore's who you want, then go for it, man."

I nodded but he turned away before he saw me.

I remember seeing Ellie once going to gym, but she avoided my eye contact. I wanted to talk to her. But she was as avoidy as ever. Was avoidy a word? I laughed earning a look from some guy sitting next to me in MI. "What are you looking at?" I slurred smirking when he looked down afraid.

That rest of the day went by a blur, with a headache by 3. I went home and called Manny, I don't remember the exact conversation but I remember I said I'd pick her up by 8.

By 6:30 I was sober again and ready to take Manny to the dance.

By the time 7 rolled around I was kind of hesitant to take her, why would she want to go with me?

By 7:15 the vodka was out of the cupboard and I had taken some sips.

By 7:30 the vodka was in the backseat and a flask was in my jacket pocket. I was off to pick Manny up.

She was waiting for me outside her apartment and waved when I parked in front of her.

"Hey." she said not mentioning why she was standing outside her apartment instead of in it.

"Hey, Manny." I said.

"So, are you ready?" she asked excited.

I nodded turning in the direction of the school.

We were quiet on the whole drive there and I vaguely remembered feeling awkward and wishing Jay, or Emma, or Ellie, hell even JT was with me.

"So, Emma gets out of the hospital today."

"No she just gets a week out of it to see if she can be handled being released." Saying the same thing Jay had told me when he talked about her last night.

"Cool." Manny muttered in a voice which made me think she didn't really care.

"Yeah." I said getting out and helping Manny out. We walked into the dance together silent as ever.

"You wanna dance?" she asked.

I shrugged but nodded neither the less. I saw Jay sitting in a corner staring across the room at a group of people crowded around Emma and Ellie.

"Hey before we dance lets go say hi to Emma!" Manny said dragging me over to see Emma and Ellie.

"Hey, Em, how are you?" Manny said hugging Emma's frail body.

"Fine." she said smiling a stiff smile at her then turned to me. "Hey Sean." she said tugging on her dress. "Where's Jay?" she blurted.

I nodded in the corner where he stood awkwardly next to some freshman. I heard Emma giggle and get up to go to him. No doubt I would hear Jay complaining in a couple more hours about how Emma led him on.

I turned to Ellie who sat with Marco and Alex.

"Hey." she said when she caught me looking at her.

"Hey. " I muttered back looking at Manny who was talking to Craig.

"What's up?" Ellie asked.

"Um, nothing."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"Cool."

"Yeah."

We just looked at each other until Manny dragged me off to dance. I don't remember anything after that, but I remember going to Craig's for his after party. Everyone was there, except freshman of course.

"Sean! Man, guess what!" Jay said coming over to me and hitting me on the back, hard, I stumbled.

"What?" I mumbled bumping into the wall.

"Man, I think you drank too much." Jay said laughing.

"What?" I said again feeling sick.

"Dude, you smell like a bar. What have you been drinking?" Jay asked as I bumped into a chair and some people sitting in the chair.

"Great party."

"How much have you had to drink?" Jay asked.

I said something I couldn't even hear.

"Jay? What's the matter with Sean?" Emma, I think, asked.

"He's drunk. Really drunk." Jay muttered dragging me over to a step to sit down.

"Sean?"

"Ellie?" I muttered rubbing my eyes trying to see clearly.

"Sean? Why do you do this to yourself?" I heard her mutter.

"I love you." I slurred grabbing for her.

"Sean, stop!" Ellie yelled a think I felt tears fall onto my hand.

"Ellie, he doesn't look so good." Emma muttered.

"Didn't he come with Manny? Where's she?"

"Making out with Craig in a corner, just saw them." Jay said quietly.

"What should we do?"

"Sing!" I cried standing up and started belting 'I will Survive.'

"Sean stop!" someone cried.

All those voices were sounding the same.

"At first I was afraid I was petrified! Thinking I kept not living with out you by my side! I learned how to get along! Your back from outer space! Change my lock!" I said throwing my arms about and dancing on the stairs. "I will survive! Yes Sean will survive from Ellie!" I cried slurring my words.

I heard some say my name.

"I spent so many days feeling sorry for myself! I used to cry but now I hold my head up high!" I yelled stumbling on the steps.

I tried to grip the railing but everything went black after that. I remember hearing someone say my name before everything went completely black.

I think it was Ellie.

I wish it was Ellie.

* * *

So here I am, thinking about this day for oh the 100th time since it happened just hours before. I lay hear staring out my window at the rain, and how I will remember this day, always.

Because today, everything that had went wrong is strung back together. How? I'm not sure. I don't think I'll ever be. But after the party Jay, Emma, and Ellie took me home, and I just remember feeling content.

I was going to be ok.

WE would be ok.

* * *

Bleed Like Me By Garbage

_Avalanche is sullen and too thin  
She starves herself to rid herself of sin  
And the kick is so divine when she sees bones beneath her skin  
And she says:  
Hey baby can you bleed like me?  
C'mon baby can you bleed like me?_

Chris is all dressed up and acting coy  
Painted like a brand new Christmas toy  
He's trying to figure out if he's a girl or he's a boy  
He says:  
Hey baby can you bleed like me?  
C'mon baby can you bleed like me?

Doodle takes dad's scissors to her skin  
And when she does relief comes setting in  
While she hides the scars she's making underneath her pretty clothes  
She sings:  
Hey baby can you bleed like me?  
C'mon baby can you bleed like me?

Therapy is Speedie's brand new drug  
Dancing with the devil's past has never been too fun  
It's better off than trying to take a bullet from a gun  
And she cries:  
Hey baby can you bleed like me?  
C'mon baby can you bleed like me?

JT gets all fucked up in some karaoke bar  
After two drinks he's a loser after three drinks he's a star  
Getting all nostalgic as he sings "I Will Survive"  
Hey baby can you bleed like me?  
C'mon baby can you bleed like me?  
Hey baby can you bleed like me?  
C'mon baby can you bleed like me?

You should see my scars  
You should see my scars  
You should see my scars  
You should see my scars  
Try to comprehend that which you'll never comprehend  
Try to comprehend that which you'll never comprehend  
Just try to comprehend that which you'll never comprehend  
Try to comprehend that which you'll never comprehend  
You should see my scars  
You should see my scars

(A/n: So? last chapter! How'd I do? Sry if you were offended by any of the parts in this story. ANd if I will survive wasn't write, I did on purpose. i didn't want anyone to get the impression I couldn't type a song. lol. So yeah. Hope you liked.)


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